Let's face it. This isn't about games anymore.

So, I was pretty obsessed with my wife before the breakup. Luckily, we were seeing a marriage counselor who, although he couldn't patch together what was so clearly unravelling, did manage to help me see my obsessive problem, and deal with it in a healthy manner. All the same, I may not be obsessed, but I am still really lonely.

I've met other women, been out on a couple of dates. Nothing serious. I mean, it really couldn't be serious, could it? After a relationship of seventeen years, everybody else is going to look like an abject stranger. Or maybe I haven't met the right girl yet.

Either way, it doesn't matter. The point is that I'm alone, and needing to get used to that.

For the first few weeks, it was the physical loneliness that bothered me the most. You'd think that, with my wife spending five days a week in another state, I would have become accustomed to being physically alone. In a way, I am. But for some reason, when we broke up, my lonliness felt different. It was no longer a condition that I had to bear for just a few more weeks, months, or years. Now it's permanent. I was suddenly thrown into a desperate need to touch anyone, hold any warm body so I could go to sleep at night. You'd think that would be the hardest part about the breakup.

It's not.

Neither is the emotional loneliness. I've got a dog. Yeah, I talk to the dog. Bite me, the dog looks at me and acts like she understands, which is better than I can find from a grocery store checkout clerk. I can get by with the emotional estrangement (at least, until I start thinking the dog is talking back).

No, for me the hardest part is the new things I cannot share.

Recently, the project I'm working on passed a pretty big milestone, and I got a nice bonus for it. Far more than I'd really expected to see from them. As soon as I heard about it, I rushed to tell . . . who? My ex wouldn't care, my co-workers aren't that close with me, and all my online friends know me very peripherally. So who could I really share it with?

(As an example of just how bad this is, I actually did call my ex to tell her about it. She steered the conversation to finances, and how I could declare the bonus as my property, rather than splitting it with her. A kind thought, but not really what I was thinking about.)

Then yesterday, our company (Take2) fended off a bid from EA for around $2 billion. I may be working for EA soon, they may downsize us (and they may not, it's paranoia talking now), I may have to find another job out here. I may have to find a job back in Austin. My whole life, which had been getting progressively more stable, is now spiraling out of control again. So I rush home to talk to . . .

Nobody. Nobody can help me think through this situation. There's no one to weigh my choices with, no one to argue the benefits of each side. I can handle the idea that I have to take responsibility for my life. It's just the idea that I would need to do it all alone, without anyone I can talk to, bounce ideas off of. I want someone I respect to say, "Yeah. This makes sense. This is a good plan."

That's the worst part of the loneliness. The idea that I have to make decisions on my own, without any cool, calm head to advise me. That part of being alone scares the shit out of me.